Standing On The Brink
by Thorntons
Summary: Wracked by doubts about their relationship, Jane and Lisbon both mull over how things had started to go wrong. Set in season 7 after Vega's death.


**A/N** Well this has certainly divided opinion, your comments are duly noted! I particularly loved review No 13 from uninvited guest - it's wickedly acerbic I loved it!

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"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars."  
― **Rabindranath Tagore**

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It wasn't meant to be like this, it had turned sour no sooner than it had started. The dark cloud of his disappearance hovered over her as she continued to weather the storm. Yet for all that, there was an unexpected silver lining to this cloud. It took no great skills of detection to identify her mystery illness, not that there would be any respite for Lisbon, with them being shorthanded in Jane's absence.

For all that Lisbon put on a brave face, she was inwardly seething. They were all suffering, but the selfish bastard acted like he was the only one affected. Even Cho, normally the most level headed of people, was struggling to cope, feeling responsible for what had happened to Vega. On top of that he now had the added pressure of conducting a major investigation without their prime asset.

They were all skirting round the issue. She didn't know which was worse, the sympathetic looks, or the unsubtle probing as to his whereabouts. She was hardly going to unburden herself to people, who frankly had more important things to worry about, so she bottled it all up and knuckled down to work as best she could.

Left to her own devices it was a different story. She unleashed the full invective of her fury in a foul-mouthed tirade at her absent lover. Her eyes drifted accusingly to the half empty bottle of red on the counter top; one night of drink fuelled passion in Chicago had undone her. What were the odds against that? Trust Jane's little fellas to exploit the situation, they'd only needed one chance to hit the bullseye.

A wry smile crossed her face at the recollection of that encounter, with her inhibitions lowered she'd taken control. It wasn't exactly her first rodeo, but Jane's surprise added to the enjoyment. She feigned selective amnesia the following morning, not relishing the prospect of facing his smug smile. It was hardly the norm - in truth there wasn't a lot of spice in their life. Although an attentive lover, Jane asked little for himself, being content with release in the moment. In retrospect, she realised it was emblematic of their problems. He could, or more pertinently would, only share a part of himself.

She dropped her head into her hands, despairing at how it had all gone so wrong so quickly.

Perhaps it would have been better if she'd gone to Washington and cut all ties, allowing them both to move on. For all his unsubtle pressure, Pike didn't deserve to be treated like that, he was a decent man at heart. After all, he wasn't to know the real Lisbon was independent and feisty, he only knew this Stepford version that was needy and desperate to belong. For sure, Marcus voiced his doubts about her closeness to Jane, but in the absence of any opposition he'd swept in and snatched her from right under Jane's nose. What's more she'd actively encouraged him, enjoying the attention for once. Worse still she'd dangled her relationship in front of Jane, in a pubescent attempt to goad him into action. Annoyed at his apparent indifference, she'd let things get out of hand. At times, it seemed as if he didn't care.

While everyone else on the plane was blown away by his impassioned declaration, Lisbon was frankly mortified at having her life played out in public. But even that was typical Jane, with no thought for the consequences. She had no doubt he loved her in a fashion, but swayed by the collective swoon of her fellow passengers she'd followed her heart instead of her head.

After being interviewed by TSA at the airport, she took some time out to think long and hard about her future. Wanting to believe Jane was sincere, but there was a lingering doubt it was just some stunt borne out of a desperation to stop her leaving. Her words at the hotel had been harsh, but not unjustified.

However, it gave Lisbon time to reflect on a life with Marcus. She could easily have caught the next flight and just carried on, but in her heart of hearts she knew Pike wasn't the answer. He was a compromise too far, collateral damage in the car crash of her relationship with Jane. She hoped he'd understand.

So, not without misgivings, she'd accepted the challenge, better a busted flush than losing to a dud hand. Moreover, she'd have a lifetime of regret, if she didn't at least try.

There was a shyness and formality about their relationship, perhaps their moment had passed. They knew each other too well by this stage to be impressed by romantic gestures. Naturally Jane was all charm and smiles, but in his unguarded moments his eyes betrayed him with a wistfulness that belied his good humour.

Still they'd established a routine of sorts, but a decade of chasing Red John had quenched Jane's thirst for law enforcement. These days it was just an intellectual exercise for Jane, he didn't share Lisbon's desire to see justice served. It was all very well for Jane to indulge his flights of fancy, but Lisbon had nothing to fall back on. If she blew this chance, it was back to nowheresville. She'd long accepted her career had been sacrificed on the altar of Jane's revenge, and the Pike debacle had hardly enhanced her reputation.

Now Jane was stopping her from doing her job properly, making her look foolish in the eyes of her fellow agents, who couldn't even rely on her for back up with Jane interfering. If she gave up everything for him, what assurances did she have that this wouldn't become a habit, running away when the going got tough?

She could tell he was never entirely comfortable in her home, preferring the more nomadic existence of the tin can, where he could just up sticks at a moment's notice. For Christ's sake, she was a city girl who liked her creature comforts, and preferably a home without wheels.

Lisbon did understand. Here was a man haunted by the spectre of his lost family, as much as he tried he couldn't wash their blood off his hands. Yes, there were definitely three in their relationship. That damned ring was an open sore every time she looked at it - evidence of his torn feelings and inability to move on. His devotion to the past was sacrosanct, the ring the symbol of his devotion. He never took it off, even in the most intimate moments she felt it rake across her skin, a constant reminder that she was the consolation prize. Another man might have taken it off in the privacy of the bedroom, but it was a part of him, ingrained in his DNA.

Quite apart from not wanting to be seen jumping from one man's bed to another, it was one of the reasons she chose not to go public with their relationship. A man who still wore his first wife's ring was hardly ready to move on.

Now, against all odds here she was with child, but determined to see things through with or without Jane. Enough of being treated like a doormat, she had needs, and Jane had to accept it wasn't all on his terms. She knew she should tell him, but something was holding her back, for all she wanted a stable upbringing for her child, she had to be sure he was committed for the right reasons.

Her heart ached at the prospect of losing Jane, he was never far from her thoughts, but for now there was something more important than him to consider. For once the world didn't revolve around Patrick Jane. She laughed at the irony of the situation, Jane would finally get his wish with her stepping down from active service.

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Subconsciously he played with the ring on his finger, it was hardly a talisman but it gave him comfort just knowing it was there. It evoked memories of the best and worst of times. With a wistful sigh, he allowed his mind to drift back to the early days with Angela. Drunk on their hopes for the future, their youthful optimism had let them throw caution to the wind. The joyful abandon of the first few days together was short lived, all too soon the reality of making their own way in the world hit home. Nevertheless, they'd knuckled down and had built a life together, which until that fateful day had been the envy of many. Of course, time and guilt had a tendency to rose tint the past, but he'd given his heart and soul to Angela.

Who knew, he may have felt the same about Teresa if they'd met earlier, but theirs was a more mature love. Perhaps his heart didn't do somersaults every time he saw her, but he felt safe with her.

It had been a rocky road getting to this stage, so many obstacles along the way. Once more he'd stretched the boundaries of trust to their limit. The way she eyed him warily and kept him at a safe distance was confirmation of that. So easy to read at one stage, she was a closed book to him at this juncture in time.

For all his posturing, he couldn't bear to lose her, the thought of waking up knowing he wouldn't see her again was unthinkable. Jane's hand had been forced by Pike threatening to whisk her away. He would have done something eventually, well probably... A few shared dinners and a gentle courtship was more what he had in mind, rather than being thrust headlong into this maelstrom of emotions.

There was so little time for introspection in this new-found domesticity, the odd nights spent apart were a welcome respite. In an attempt to rationalise his feelings, he considered the possibility that he harboured a degree of resentment that his old memories were being pushed aside to make way for new ones. It wasn't that he didn't love her in his own way, of course he did, but they'd skipped the throes of passion. It was a more gentle burn, where familiarity and comfort formed the bedrock of their relationship.

And yet for all his reservations, he knew that she was essential to his wellbeing, she underpinned his very existence. The thought of losing her first to Pike, or worse to some unknown assailant, ate away at him. It gnawed away at the threads of reason, blinding him to the consequences of his actions.

Perhaps he wasn't ready for this, maybe he was still broken and couldn't be fixed. Pike's words rang in his ears. " _What have you got to offer her except Patrick Jane?"_

Pike rightly guessed Jane had plunged headlong into this without a plan. The ever-resourceful Pike had no doubt got it all mapped out career, realtors... a family?

There were so many things they hadn't spoken about, as Jane was content to go from one day to another without setting down roots. Perhaps she wanted a family, or a dog at least. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He already felt weighed down by the unspoken burden of Lisbon's expectations, was he really ready for more than that?

Perhaps if it had been a casual fling Jane would have cared less, it wasn't so much the physical act as what it represented that made him feel guilty. The fact that it meant so much to Lisbon made it feel worse.

Looking back at the latest cause of friction, he could never say what had lead him to the Grand Canyon. He just gotten into his airstream and driven as far away from Austin as possible. Once there, the lure of the gaping chasm was undeniable, reviving memories of that day with Red John. Perhaps he should have ended it all that day. The gun was poised for action, but something stopped him. For what, two years in purgatory and more heartache on his return? What was the point of going on if he couldn't face everyday life?

His heart rate quickened as he gazed down from his vantage point. A few seconds and it would all have been over…..

Yet something had held him back. Perhaps it was the futility of throwing his life away when Vega, who had everything to live for, had lost hers. To value his life so lightly, would be insulting to her memory.

An old Buddhist saying came back to him "To every man is given the key to the gates of heaven. The same key opens the gates of hell." Only this hell would be Lisbon's not his, she'd go through the rest of her life a captive to guilt, wondering if she could have done anything differently, blaming herself because of his choice. Jane stepped away from the brink and chose life.

He knew she was stronger than him, and could live without him. It was all the more strange, that she tried to keep their relationship private for so long - Jane had to admit that hurt. Not that anyone was remotely fooled, Lisbon was deluding herself on that front.

Time after time she'd come to the rescue. This latest time, they'd only just made it out of Keller's house before it went up in flames. There was a new resolve to her of late, she'd started to lay down some ground rules. For someone who purported to be able to read human nature, he was taken aback at her reaction to his wearing the ring. Automatically he started twisting it on his finger, as much as he tried to justify his position, he realised the ring was his way of clinging to the past. He wasn't ready to let go.

He examined the ring in the palm of his hand, weighing up all that it represented for him. With a heavy sigh Jane slipped the ring into his waistcoat pocket, doing up the button for safety, while he went about the renovations, taking solace from the fact it was still close. Like an addict desperate for his next fix, his hand kept drifting to his pocket, patting it for reassurance. He never left it off for long, his finger felt bare without it, but now even he accepted the ring was an issue. Something had to be done, he couldn't just put it in a box to gather dust, but he saw it was unfair on Lisbon to carry on wearing another woman's ring.

The peace and tranquillity of the lodge gave him comfort, at one with nature he contemplated life as the world slowly turned on its axis. As the preternatural calm and chill that preceded night set in, he sought a warming mug of tea and a blanket, before taking refuge on the deck once more. One by one the faint pinpoints of light turned into bright twinkling diamonds, as the bejewelled canopy of deepest night revealed itself. In the absence of the sun, the stars illuminated the darkest hour. The sunshine may have gone out of his life, but it was time to embrace the starlight.

Slowly night ceded to the advent of day, as the joyful fanfare of the dawn chorus heralded the reawakening of the natural world. Awed by the beauty that surrounded him in the pale morning glow, he was humbled by the thought that the problems of one man didn't mount to a hill of beans in the context of this crazy world.

The passage of time would return everything to dust at some stage to become at one with the universe. Perhaps in the future a part of him would end up on some distant star, twinkling down on some other troubled soul.

As much as he might wish otherwise, no man could halt the inexorable march of time. Knowing all too well how transient this life was, he decided it was time to grasp this last chance of happiness that was hanging by a thread. It was time to start living in the present not the past.

The sound of Lisbon's car pulling up made him check for his ring in his pocket, he knew what he had to do now. The ring stayed in his pocket.

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 **A/N** I'm not entirely convinced this works, introspection is not my forte.

Thanks once more to Fiasco Way for casting a critical eye over this and giving some useful pointers.

I realise this is a contentious issue for some, but I'm more than happy to debate it with those that sign in to review. I have a thick skin and won't be offended by your comments.


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